Promise
by Saitaina R. Moricia
Summary: It hurts, sometimes it hurts so bad you want to die...but promises have to be kept. Riza centric regarding Roy.
1. Promise

It hurts, sometimes. To watch them together. I feel as if I'm being stabbed repeatedly, every time I gather a glimpse of them. I try, desperately I try, to be the friend I promised. To love and support him no matter what…no matter with who. But all the pretty promises can't take away the pain. It's still there, deep inside me, covering by a smiling lie.

I don't' want to hear about them, from others or from their own lips. I have the urge to press my hands over my ears and run screaming ever time someone opens their mouth. I know it's wrong but it's almost as if that's the only way I can block out the pain, drown out the words with my own screams.

I never do it though, I just smile and laugh.

Like a good friend.

A friend willing to stand beside him and support him.

Like a friend that isn't slowly dying inside.

My face feels constantly wet. My eyes burn. But still the tears don't fall, even though I know they're there. Invisible even to the sight of the one who sheds them. I can't let them fall, even though it feels like they already have.

The blood isn't visible either, even though I know it's there. Just like the tears, unseen as each drop slides down my chest and stomach. A ghostly feeling. It's so odd, how you're heart can continue to beat even when it's shattered into a billion pieces, a heavy, weighty, bleeding lump in your chest.

My hands stills hake when he stands too close, still itch to touch him…but now it's to shake him and scream instead of pulling him closer.

So I don't touch him. I just smile.

And I am happy for him…don't I look happy?

The smile is perfect, no cracks.

No tears, no blood.

No pain.

What a foolish little lie for a foolish girl.

In the end there is only pain. Pain as he walks away, pain as he loves another, pain as he smiles and laughs and tells everything I don't want to hear about a relationship I don't want him to have. Pain as he tells me how much he loves someone else.

And he KNOWS I love him. He should KNOW how much it hurts.

But I promised. I promised to be his friend first and to support him in anything, good or bad. And I knew this day would come when I made the promise.

I just didn't think it would hurt this badly. I thought I could walk away, that the smiles would be honest, that I wouldn't care.

Foolish, foolish little girl.

But I'm HIS foolish little girl.

I never wanted to be owned, but find myself bound to him. No matter how much it hurts, I'm still here. No matter how painful, I'm still watching. I'm still here to smile and laugh and listen to every juicy detail that he explains with relish and often heated remembrance.

Because I promised.

Because I love him.


	2. Missing Time

Missing Time 

I feel as though he's forgotten me. As though I have stopped existing in his world of orbit.

I write him letters, passionate, bland, emotional, boringly recreated accounts of my day…and each one disappears into the either, not even acknowledged as received by him.

I call him and end up leaving a message with his new secretary, which of course, he never replies to.

I try to catch him in the hall but he's always so busy and I'm left staring at his back, wondering what I did wrong.

He's ignoring me, ignoring 'us'. Ignoring everything we ever meant to each other and I don't know why. I want to corner him, to force out a reason, to scream at him until my vocal cords break and I'm left bleeding out my pain.

But I can't because somehow this is all my fault even though I don't know why. I kept my promise, damnit! I was right there besides him, despite what I felt inside. Yes I was a bit…cold in the beginning, but I had a very good reason. It was tearing me apart to think about the whole situation let alone be the best of a friend I could be. Not to mention I didn't exactly approve of his choice...but then again I doubt I would approve of anyone he chose.

But I'm trying…shouldn't I get credit for something!

But no…he still walks away from me, nearly pretends I don't exist unless he has to deal with me.

So what did I do wrong since I know this is somehow entirely my fault. I mean, he's not ignoring anyone else.

I feel so…broken. Even more so then before because at least then I thought I could still be his friend, still have at least that part of him but now…

now I have nothing. I have just memories of what he was…what we were.

If this is some giant joke it's not funny. I've seen war, I've seen hell. I've seen the deepest, darkest parts of the human entity and I survived mostly untouched. But this…this is breaking me. Piece by piece I fall away and soon there won't be anything left but a shell. A mannequin that goes through the motions.

IO don't want to be that way. I don't want to be a wisp of half forgotten memory.

Especially not to him.

But I don't know how to stop this!

Please…

Please speak to me.

Remember me…

I'm sorry…please…


	3. Idiocy in a Box

He never got the letters. I could laugh if I wasn't so frustrated. All that time, all those tears…and he never got the bloody letters!

He shuffled them, un-opened into his paper work. Paperwork which went to the Furer…who so kindly returned them to me..

I could kill him if it wasn't something I should have expected from him.

I swear he needs a minder not an assistant…a keeper.

But it's just one of the things I love him for. The absent-mindedness, the laziness, the arrogance, the fact that he's an utter and complete bastard with a heart that means good. A box of paradoxes wrapped in a shiny god complex.

Honestly I don't think I could love him the same if he didn't pull stunts like accidentally sending personal communications to our countries leader. At least it wasn't the more…traitorous notations.

The others burst into laughter when the Furer handed me back my letters, politely explaining he had to open them to see who they were to and he did so hope everything worked out.

Bastard.

Even he was smirking at me.

Stupid, stubborn, adorable, lovable…idiotic man.

How can you want to strangle someone as much as you want to kiss them breathless?

I had to inform him of the letters, absolutely embarrassed as I handed them over before fleeing back to my tiny cubical of a new office. I want to bang my head against the desk now. I should have just burned them. Forgotten them.

And he still hasn't awnsered them, even three days later.

So either he is just 'busy' or he is actually ignoring me, despite me blatantly giving them to him.

Just don't let him send them off to another high official, that's all I ask.

I've come to accept our…relationship of sorts. It still hurts, but I can at least be in his presence without shaking him violently or wanting to burst into tears. I still have hope…that someday he will turn to ME with that look, instead of the other, but I know that's a long way off.

How pathetic of a friend am I that I'm silently wishing for him to get his heart broken? I feel like scum but I can't help it. I have my own selfish interests here. I don't want him hurt but I don't want him apart from me either.

Do you go to hell for praying that your best friend's relationships fail?

I feel like such a traitor.

But I love him, and I can't help feeling this way…


End file.
